A Walk in the Park
by Upggrade
Summary: If you ever thought that an untried war criminal and an unstable convict would make great babysitters, you would be wrong. And stupid.


Shepard and Jack have agreed to babysit Ashleys son. They're out at a park eating lunch, the babbling toddler sitting in Shepards lap. Jack hadn't trusted herself enough to hold him, but she does find the little shit adorable.

For about the tenth time, a woman walks up to them and comments on how cute he is. Jack once again sends her away with a growl. After she leaves, Jack makes an observation.

"Is it just me or is he a little pussy magnet?"

Shepard chuckles.

"Yeah he is. Maybe we should make a couple of these, they seem useful."

She freezes, her eyes the size of dinner plates. He puts his hands up.

"Just a joke."

She frowns and punches him in the arm, making the baby giggle.

"Don't joke about shit like that."

Her annoyance doesn't last long however, as the poop machine demands her attention once more. Once he's the center of the world again he stuns both of them.

"Fffuck!"

Both of their brows hit the ceiling. Shepard pulls in a shaky breath.

"Oh sweet Jesus…"

The baby, enjoying the reaction he's getting, does it again.

"Fffuck!"

"Holy shit, John, what do we do?"

"Uhh, Mikey? Hey, can you say 'duck'?"

"Fffuck!"

"Oh fuck me."

"Jack!"

"Sorry."

"Alright, I got it. We'll say we ran into Zaeed. Pin it on him."

"Fffuck!"

"I actually like Zaeed though, we can't sic momma bear on him."

"Then how do we make him stop?"

"Fffuck!"

An Asari who had been walking by stops short at his outburst.

"What did he just say?"

Jacks response is easily predictable.

"Fuck off."

"Fffuck!"

"Jack!"

"Sorry!"

"Okay. Alright. We just gotta stay calm. We don't need him to stop, just to not do it until we're in another system."

"I got it! We load him up with sugar. Give him back when he crashes."

"I knew I love you for a reason, I'll be right back."

Is it an abuse of power for a Spectre to run into a store, grab a fistful of candy bars and run back out without so much as slowing down? Probably, but that doesn't stop him.

Once he sits back down Jack immediately hands Mikey back to him. He unwraps a bar and gives the whole thing to the kid. Jack, hardened criminal, actually _giggles_ as she watches the toddler gnaw on the candy bar. She swipes her own from the pile but the stupid fucking foil won't fucking tear. She takes the corner between her teeth and for a moment the look of determination on her face matches that of the squirt. Shepard looks up from the child and smirks when he sees the larger child struggling.

"Need a hand there cupcake?"

"Fu-"

She catches herself just in time, eyeing the momentarily distracted toddler like he could explode at any moment.

" _Screw_ you boy scout. I'll get the goddamn thing…"

She mutters several more invectives before triumphantly ripping the wrapper apart. Shepard hands Mikey his second candy bar and ponders how ridiculous this situation is. A thought apparently mirrored by Jack.

"Hey Shepard, when you were oh so heroically leading the galaxy to victory over giant genocidal space squids from hell, did you ever think you would someday end up pumping a toddler full of candy to make him stop swearing?"

Shepard looks away deep in thought for a few moments.

"It's pretty far down my list of predictions for how my life would turn out."

"What the hell did it beat?"

"Seeing you giggle."

She punches him again, harder, as his prize spreads across her cheeks. She knows he loves making her blush, and she hates when he succeeds. Unfortunately for her, he seems to also enjoy the game of figuring out new ways to do it.

Shepard laughs, both at her and the increasingly jittery toddler. It doesn't take long before he's quite a handful. Desperate bids to wiggle out of Shepards lap combined with copious use of Jacks favorite word make the next half hour rather entertaining for the two very mature, completely responsible adults.

After he finally passes out the two breathe a sigh of relief and call Ashley to see if she can take him back. Luckily, she just broke free from work right as they call.

When they meet up Shepard and Jack swear up and down that everything went well and that he was a perfect little angel. Ashley is suspicious but the two beat a hasty retreat before she can grill them further.

A few hours after dropping Mikey off and making good their escape Shepard gets a call. He wisely doesn't answer it. Or the next two. Then he gets a message.

 _You two are so dead. DEAD!_

* * *

Sorry if it was a bit confusing to keep track of who was talking, I just hate writing "Shepard says, Jack says, Shepard says" over and over.


End file.
